...with the mostest:

A friend of mine was invited to a dinner at the State Department tonight for a Presidential awards ceremony recognizing excellence in teaching.

"Timing is everything," he said. I asked if there was going to be a widescreen TV, and if he was going to wear a Kevlar cummerbund. His wife declined, and will remain at home, installing plastic over all the windows in their basement.

I was pleased to see that the Academy, bless their bleeding hearts, consented to have their awards ceremony interrupted should there be any important world developments. What? Developments more important than awarding each other Oscars? Please. The NBA, on the other hand, is taking the hard-nosed business decision of switching contracts to cable, where interruptions by things like, say, war, will be less intrusive.

Can't we just airdrop Bruce Willis? I just know he would defeat entire armies single-handedly.